Floating down the gutter one drink at a time

Huh.

2011-01-07T15:02:00.001-05:00

I completely forgot about this old blog o' mine.

?

2009-09-08T08:53:00.001-04:00

So i got tired of the miserable black background on this blog and am now playing with colors here. We'll see where this goes.

'Real' from the Velveteen Rabbit

2009-07-31T15:50:00.000-04:00

'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to the people who don't understand.'

I found this and liked it, so i'm sharing it with you

2009-07-20T16:48:00.000-04:00

Ten Rules for Being Human
by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

"How dry i am....how dry i am....."

2009-07-15T09:25:00.006-04:00

"Nobody knows, how dry i am....."

Well, i'll tell you. I've been completely clean for 30 days now. And apparently i've also been told i put way too much mileage on my mountain bike. What ever that means. I honestly don't think 250 to 350 a month is excessive at all. I just happen to love riding my Trek a whole lot. Both of them. And yes, i stay on top of the maintenance too. In fact, if i ever get my black one back from the shop(broken spoke and truing the wheel), i'm going up to Alafia to hit the trails.

Title issues....

2009-07-02T12:21:00.003-04:00

Fuck. Now that i'm no longer a lush, i might have to do something about the title of this blog. Although, calling myself a "gin soaked douchebag" is a very accurate statement about me(i AM from Jersey, you know....exit 7A or 105 depending on your choice of thoroughfare), and it's going to take YEARS to get all the martinis out of my system for good, i still think i might have to do some sort of a rename of this blog.

Nah, fuck it.

Been awhile part 2

2009-07-01T11:41:00.002-04:00

So now i've turned 39, i've quit drinking and smoking entirely(although i might still have an occasional beer), and i got my stolen "other" bike back. That pretty much sums up what has happened in the past 4 months. Oh, and i've just hit my 9th anniversary here at work. Yay for me.

Update

2009-03-11T15:36:00.002-04:00

Wow has it been this long? Ok, i got the new bike(actually the SECOND new bike....first one was stolen a month after i got it...), still have no furniture, and life is good right now. No complaints here, eh?

Abbott And Costello ~ The Union Bakery Loafing Job

2008-11-25T10:18:00.001-05:00

What to do, What to do

2008-11-24T11:13:00.002-05:00

So i ditched my car to save money, and moved into a mucho cheaper apartment to save even more, and now the dilemma......my 'new' apartment needs some cheap furniture(and/or shelving....LOTS of shelving), and my bike is in really deep shit now. It's a twelve year old Cannondale thats seen A LOT of action, and she needs just too much work to keep her on the road now. I'd rather spend the $300 or so on a new bike i can commute on for a while until i save up my money enough to get the bike i REALLY want(which is about a grand).

The dilemma is.....do i get the furniture and shelves i need and continue to try to band-aid a bike with serious problems, or get the bike i need to get around witout worry and continue to live out of cardboard boxes for another month or so. That bitch is i've only got about $300 to play with here, so it's one or the other.

Oh, yeah, included in the furniture budget is a new $80 microwave, because the antique i had took a shit the day i moved into my new place. YAY!

Death Star over San Francisco

2008-11-13T07:23:00.001-05:00

I didnt realize X-wing fighters were that old

2008-11-05T09:36:00.000-05:00

YOU FAKKING C*NT

2008-10-09T08:46:00.001-04:00

I'll say this once and once only

2008-10-06T08:04:00.004-04:00

I'm sick and tired of hearing McPalin keep saying they're the original mavericks. BULLSHIT!

THIS is the original Maverick:

Fuck McPalin!

Separation anxiety?

2008-09-23T16:10:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking about this for a good while now, just trying to compare things, you know? So, it turns out the 3 best times of my life involve someone coming into my life, and the 3 worst times involve someone being torn from me(or tearing themselves) away from me, leaving me feeling like i'm missing a limb or some other part of me. So i started to wonder if i was suffering from separation anxiety for the very, very long time i was miserable. What makes it more interesting to me is that i no longer carry around this giant weight of depression or even get depressed from thinking about those worst times. It's like a light switch was turned off in my head recently(seems like it's for good, too) and i've been in a wonderfully good mood now for a while ever since. Or maybe i'm just so deluded that i've truly convinced myself everything is ducky. I'll have to do some research on all of this. But, ya know what? Fuck it. I feel great.

Ray Charles - One Mint Julep

2008-09-22T09:51:00.001-04:00

Things Sarah Palin and My Pit Bull Have in Common

2008-09-09T16:25:00.000-04:00

A guest post from Eric Maierson:

Both:
Look confused when asked questions.

Like to poop on the environment.

Are good at following the commands of their handlers.

Remain quiet on the birth control issue.

Have extensive foreign policy experience.

As of late

2008-07-11T12:33:00.002-04:00

I haven't been blogging here much at all, and i havent posted anything worthwhile(Now THAT's argueable) in ages, but i've been having some interesting things happen to me lately. Due to recent discussions from an old friend who rides, i've had a fire lit under my ass to get a bike. No, not a mountain bike(i already have two of those), but a motorcycle. I honestly forgot how invigorating it is to ride. And how excellent it is as a therapy for what ails you. Like they say, you'll never see a motorcycle out fromt of a therapist's office(unless it belongs to the therapist). So, off i go in search of my perfect beast.....and i might just say fuck it and build my own.

Cheers all!

Nick Hogan is Sad(thanks WWTDD)

2008-05-22T15:36:00.001-04:00

Originally posted on http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=6771

Page Six says that Nick Hogan is absolutely losing his mind in jail, and he’s just barely begun his eight-month sentence for felony reckless driving. He, of course, was speeding and wrecked his car last August, an accident that has left then-best friend John Graziano in a vegetative state ever since. The Post says...

"Nick's doing really bad. He's struggling to even form a sentence," one friend said. "They have him in a cell by himself, isolated from the general population, because of threats. He didn't understand how awful jail really is until now." That will be small consolation to Graziano's relatives, who say Hogan has done very little for their son since the crash.

Oh boo-hoo. Nick is a spoiled little bitch and his arrogance left a kid crippled. Fuck him. Not only do I hope he gets raped in jail, I hope they shove his head in the toilet while they do it. I hope they bang him so hard, his anus actually starts smoldering. Like, there's smoke. His asshole should look like the porthole of a ship when he gets out.

What is the world coming to these days?

2008-05-20T14:26:00.001-04:00

"A teenager is facing prosecution for using the word "cult" to describe the Church of Scientology."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2008/may/20/1

Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? Since when is using the word 'cult' in Britain now a hate crime?

Fuck ya!

2008-05-19T13:58:00.001-04:00

Here is where i spend my weekends when i'm riding my mountian bike....

2008-05-08T13:41:00.001-04:00

monster island loop
Find more Bike Rides in Bradenton, Florida

Pics of the bike we painted

2008-04-21T15:50:00.003-04:00

Just showing off our handiwork.
Oh, and it's for sale too.
We need the room(and the fuckin cash!)

Finally. I did it.

2008-04-07T11:30:00.000-04:00

I canned my myspace account. I finally shook the yoke.

Hopefully it takes effect sooner rather than later.

HA!

2008-02-05T16:37:00.000-05:00

Fuckin A

2008-01-29T16:49:00.000-05:00

"Man Cuts Off, Microwaves His Own Hand
Jan 9, 2008

HAYDEN, Idaho (AP) — A man who believed he bore the "mark of the beast" used a circular saw to cut off one hand, then he cooked it in the microwave and called 911, authorities said.

The man, in his mid-20s, was calm when Kootenai County sheriff's deputies arrived Saturday in this northern Idaho town. He was in protective custody in the mental health unit of Kootenai Medical Center.

"It had been somewhat cooked by the time the deputy arrived," sheriff's Capt. Ben Wolfinger said. "He put a tourniquet on his arm before, so he didn't bleed to death. That kind of mental illness is just sad."

It was not immediately clear whether the man has a history of mental illness. Hospital spokeswoman Lisa Johnson would not say whether an attempt was made to reattach the hand, citing patient confidentiality.

The Book of Revelation in the New Testament contains a passage in which an angel is quoted as saying: "If anyone worships the beast and his image and receives his mark on the forehead or on the hand, he, too, will drink the wine of God's fury."

The book of Matthew also contains the passage: "And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for you whole body to do into hell."

Wolfinger said he didn't know which hand was amputated."

Wow, thats fuckin hardcore. Talk about a baaaaad motherfucking trip. I've had some really bad trips in the past, and i never ONCE made a run for the fucking power tools. NEVER.

Hitler: Bloodthirsty Dictator, Die-hard Cowboys Fan

2008-01-28T12:37:00.001-05:00

Wise advice indeed

2008-01-25T11:25:00.000-05:00

"If you are part of a society that votes, then do so. There may be no candidates and no measures you want to vote for..... but there are certain to be ones you want to vote against. In case of doubt, vote against. By this rule you will rarely go wrong.
If this is too blind for your taste, consult some well-meaning fool (there is always one around) and ask his advice. Then vote the other way. This enables you to be a good citizen (if such is your wish) without spending the enormous amount of time on it that truly intelligent exercise of franchise requires.”

-Robert Heinlen

WWJD: What would Jesus Drive?

2008-01-16T15:24:00.000-05:00

My guess would be some sort of worn-out p.o.s. RV so he can travel around and spread his message with his apostles. Kinda like the Jake Busey and all the religious wackos in the movie "Contact".

You want a WHAT?

2007-12-31T14:06:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Modern Drunkard Magazine

We are no longer U.S. citizens...

2007-12-21T08:15:00.000-05:00

Lakota Indians Withdraw-They Are No Longer US Citizens

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,317548,00.html

WASHINGTON — The Lakota Indians, who gave the world legendary warriors Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse, have withdrawn from treaties with the United States.

"We are no longer citizens of the United States of America and all those who live in the five-state area that encompasses our country are free to join us,'' long-time Indian rights activist Russell Means said.

A delegation of Lakota leaders has delivered a message to the State Department, and said they were unilaterally withdrawing from treaties they signed with the federal government of the U.S., some of them more than 150 years old.

The group also visited the Bolivian, Chilean, South African and Venezuelan embassies, and would continue on their diplomatic mission and take it overseas in the coming weeks and months.

Lakota country includes parts of the states of Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana and Wyoming.

The new country would issue its own passports and driving licences, and living there would be tax-free - provided residents renounce their U.S. citizenship, Mr Means said.

The treaties signed with the U.S. were merely "worthless words on worthless paper," the Lakota freedom activists said.

Withdrawing from the treaties was entirely legal, Means said.

"This is according to the laws of the United States, specifically article six of the constitution,'' which states that treaties are the supreme law of the land, he said.

"It is also within the laws on treaties passed at the Vienna Convention and put into effect by the US and the rest of the international community in 1980. We are legally within our rights to be free and independent,'' said Means.

The Lakota relaunched their journey to freedom in 1974, when they drafted a declaration of continuing independence — an overt play on the title of the United States' Declaration of Independence from England.

Thirty-three years have elapsed since then because "it takes critical mass to combat colonialism and we wanted to make sure that all our ducks were in a row,'' Means said.

One duck moved into place in September, when the United Nations adopted a non-binding declaration on the rights of indigenous peoples — despite opposition from the United States, which said it clashed with its own laws.

"We have 33 treaties with the United States that they have not lived by. They continue to take our land, our water, our children,'' Phyllis Young, who helped organize the first international conference on indigenous rights in Geneva in 1977, told the news conference.

The U.S. "annexation'' of native American land has resulted in once proud tribes such as the Lakota becoming mere "facsimiles of white people,'' said Means.

Oppression at the hands of the U.S. government has taken its toll on the Lakota, whose men have one of the shortest life expectancies - less than 44 years - in the world.

Lakota teen suicides are 150 per cent above the norm for the U.S.; infant mortality is five times higher than the U.S. average; and unemployment is rife, according to the Lakota freedom movement's website.

Station wagons...there is no finer an American institution

2007-12-12T09:22:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Randy Rhoads

2007-12-06T08:20:00.000-05:00

Randall William "Randy" Rhoads (December 6, 1956 – March 19, 1982) was an American heavy metal guitarist who is best known for playing with Ozzy Osbourne. Despite his short career, he is cited as an influence by many contemporary heavy metal guitarists. A devoted student of classical guitar, Rhoads often combined his classical music influences with his own heavy metal style. While on tour with Ozzy Osbourne, he would often seek out classical guitar tutors for lessons.

Early life

Rhoads was born on December 6, 1956 at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica, California. He was the youngest of three children. His older brother, Doug, is a drummer who goes by the name of Kelle Rhoads. His sister's name is Kathy.

When Randy was 17 months old, his father, William Arthur Rhoads, left his mother, Delores Rhoads, and the three children. Mrs. Rhoads has owned and operated the Musonia School of Music in North Hollywood, California since 1949. Rhoads started playing guitar at age 6 on his grandfather's old Gibson "Army-Navy" classical acoustic guitar. According to Rhoads's mother, he learned to play folk guitar, which was a popular way to learn guitar at the time, although he did not take lessons for very long. Rhoads was always evolving toward a hard rock/metal lead guitar style, but he was heavily influenced by classical music as well. This can be heard on tracks like "Dee" (an instrumental he named for his mother Delores), "Mr. Crowley", "Diary of a Madman", "Crazy Train" and "Revelation (Mother Earth).

Quiet Riot

In his early years Rhoads was in a short-lived band called "The Whore". By the time Rhoads was 14, he was in a band called Violet Fox (after his mother's middle name, Violet). Rhoads taught his best friend Kelly Garni how to play bass, and together they formed Quiet Riot when Rhoads was about 17 (according to Rhoads' mother). Kevin DuBrow auditioned for vocalist in Rhoads' kitchen after he convinced Rhoads and Garni to give him a chance. The drummer, Drew Forsyth, was already in the picture and had periodically played with Rhoads and Garni in the past.

Quiet Riot initially played in small bars in Hollywood and local parties in Burbank, eventually playing at the two main L.A. music clubs of the day - the Whisky a Go Go, and The Starwood. While the band had a strong following in the L.A. club scene, they were unable to secure a major recording contract in the United States. Eventually, however, the band was able to land a record deal with a Japanese label and Quiet Riot and Quiet Riot II were released in Japan.

Career with Ozzy Osbourne

In 1979, ex-Black Sabbath singer Ozzy Osbourne was forming a new band. Future Slaughter bassist Dana Strum recommended Rhoads to Osbourne. Rhoads got the call for the audition just before his final show with Quiet Riot. He walked in with his Les Paul guitar and a practice amp and started warming up; Osbourne immediately gave him the job. Rhoads recalled later, "I just tuned up and did some riffs, and he said, 'You've got the gig.' I had the weirdest feeling, because I thought, 'You didn't even hear me yet.'" Osbourne described Rhoads' playing as "God entering my life." Rhoads subsequently recommended his friend Greg Leon, who also taught guitar at Musonia for Rhoads' mother, to replace him in Quiet Riot, and then moved to the UK.

They arrived in England in March 1980 to begin working on their first album. The band headed into the studio to record the band's debut album, Blizzard of Ozz. Rhoads' guitar playing had evolved rapidly from his work with Quiet Riot, which has been criticized as being "dull".[1] Propelled by Rhoads' neo-classical guitar work, the album proved an instant hit with rock fans, particularly in the USA. They released two singles from the album: "Goodbye to Romance" and the hit "Crazy Train".

The band toured extensively and then quickly wrote and recorded a follow-up album. Diary of a Madman was released shortly thereafter and Osbourne launched another tour with this same lineup. Around this time Rhoads remarked to Osbourne, Tommy Aldridge and friend Kelly Garni that he was considering leaving rock for a few years to earn a degree in classical guitar. In the documentary Don't Blame Me, Osbourne confirmed Randy's desire to earn the degree and stated that had he lived, he didn't believe Randy would have stayed in his band. Friend and ex-Quiet Riot bassist Kelly Garni has stated in interviews that if Randy had continued to play rock, he might have gone the route of more keyboard-driven rock, which had become very popular through the 1980s.

It was at this time that Rhoads was beginning to receive recognition for his playing. Just before his death Jackson Guitars created a signature model, the Jackson Randy Rhoads or Randy Rhoads Pro(though it was recommended to be called the Jackson concorde). Randy received two prototypes - one in black and one in white - but died before the guitar went into production. Rhoads also received the Best New Talent award from Guitar Player.

Death
Rhoads' tomb, San Bernardino, Calif.
Rhoads' tomb, San Bernardino, Calif.

On March 19, 1982, the band was headed to a festival in Orlando, Florida. After driving much of the night, they stopped at the house of Jerry Calhoun, the bus company's owner, in Leesburg, Florida . The driver, Andrew Aycock, took Rhoads and hairdresser Rachel Youngblood on a flight in a Beechcraft Bonanza he had taken without permission. Apparently, during the flight, an attempt was made to "buzz" the tour bus where the other band members were sleeping. They succeeded three times but the fourth time it went horribly wrong. The right wing clipped the right side of the tour bus by accident, leading to the crash of the plane into Calhoun's nearby mansion, completely destroying its front. Nobody in the mansion was hurt. Rhoads, age 25, was killed instantly, as were Aycock, 36, and Youngblood, 58. It was later determined in an autopsy that Aycock had a trace of cocaine in his system at the time; Rhoads's toxicology test revealed no illicit drugs.

Randy's funeral was held at the First Lutheran Church in Burbank, CA, which he attended as a child. He was interred at Mountain View Cemetery in San Bernardino, California where his grandparents are also buried. At the time, Randy's mother was living in Burbank. The Rhoads family and many fans gather there on the anniversary of his death as well as his birthday to pay tribute and celebrate his life..

Posthumous achievements

In 1987, five years after Rhoads' death, Osbourne released Tribute, the only official album featuring Osbourne and Rhoads playing together in concert. Most of the album is a live performance from Cleveland, Ohio, Recorded on May 11, 1981. Also used in the recording was Rhoads' guitar solo from a show in Montreal, Canada, recorded on July 28, 1981. That whole show had been broadcast on WMMS-FM, and the King Biscuit Flower Hour, from which it became an extremely popular and fast selling bootleg. The songs "Goodbye to Romance" and "No Bone Movies" from the Tribute album were recorded on the UK Blizzard of Ozz tour at Southampton, on the same date as the Mr. Crowley EP.

Randy was inducted into the Guitar Center Rock Walk (on Sunset Blvd in Hollywood, CA), on March 18 2004. Guests included Dolores Rhoads, Kelle Rhoads, Rudy Sarzo, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Zakk Wylde and Yngwie Malmsteen. In a 2006 Guitar World article, it was mentioned that Rhoads' last name was mistakenly spelled "Rhodes" on his plaque, and by the time it was discovered, there was not enough time to correct the mistake. [2] He is ranked Number 12 on the list of all time greatest guitarists by MUSO and number 85 by Rolling Stone.

Despite his youth and relatively limited recorded work, Rhoads has influenced many notable guitar players including: Zakk Wylde[3], Alex Skolnick, George Lynch [4] Alexi Laiho[5], Warren DeMartini, Dimebag Darrell, Dweezil Zappa, Paul Gilbert[6], Marty Friedman and Buckethead.

Discography

With Quiet Riot

* Quiet Riot (1977)
* Quiet Riot II (1978)
* The Randy Rhoads Years (Best of 1977–1981) (1993)

With Ozzy Osbourne

Singles

* "Crazy Train" (1980)
* "Mr. Crowley" (1980)
* "Over the Mountain" (1981)
* "Flying High Again" (1981)
* "Tonight" (1981)

Albums

* Blizzard of Ozz (1980)
* Mr. Crowley Picture Disc Live EP (1981) - out of print
* Diary of a Madman (1981)
* Over the Mountain/I Don't Know (Live) (1981) - 45 rpm JET 12017
* Tribute (Live) (1987)
* Ten Commandments (greatest hits) (1990) - out of print
* The Ozzman Cometh (greatest hits) (1997)
* The Essential Ozzy Osbourne (greatest hits) (2003)
* Prince of Darkness (box set) (2005)

Gotta wonder what this means

2007-12-04T11:13:00.000-05:00

After seeing this, it really makes you wonder about those stereotypes about oriental food:

This photo was taken in Tokyo, by the way.

More ranting and raving....

2007-11-21T09:23:00.000-05:00

Hmmm....get this. Apparently i can't get a very small debt consolidation loan because i have too much debt. Fucking banks suck ass.

It's bullshit like this that makes me want to move here:

Fucking gas prices piss me off

2007-11-14T16:29:00.000-05:00

Due to rising gas prices and the fact my station wagon blew it's water pump apart has changed my thinking around a bit(and cause the wagon has severely pissed me off...)

I'm thinking of buying a Yamaha Vino 125 scooter to get around here. I just hate financing anything....especially since my credit is lame as fuck.

Imagine it flamed out and you get what i'm thinking...

Billy Quan - 8 Ball of Fury (Almost Live!)

2007-10-04T16:25:00.001-04:00

New Rules

2007-10-02T12:19:00.000-04:00

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab . Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn. (LOL! If that ain't the truest fact I've ever heard!!!)

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tat too every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Interesting article from the Onion

2007-08-17T16:51:00.000-04:00

Ritalin Cures Next Picasso

WORCESTER, MA-Area 7-year-old Douglas Castellano's unbridled energy and creativity are no longer a problem thanks to Ritalin, doctors for the child announced Monday.

SWISSPASS 2

2007-08-17T10:13:00.001-04:00

Check this madman out. You know what his balls are made of. Cast Fucking Iron.

The real truth about Kenneth Howard(Von Dutch)

2007-08-16T13:47:00.000-04:00

Von Who?
What the kids don't know about the racist alcoholic genius behind Von Dutch.

By Theo Douglas

Even those who admire Von Dutch don't call him a nice guy. No, they use words like bitter and racist and violent. They describe someone who was jaded young and spent much of his life hiding from the world. His name was a reflection of that, the very symbol of his obstinacy, anger and distrust of the world.

So is it ironic or just cruel that his name wound up co-opted by what Mencken called the booboisie, stitched onto hats and baby doll T-shirts worn by an army of pretty girls like Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani and Ashton Kutcher? Is Von Dutch doomed, as one admirer put it, "to be forever remembered for his name in 4-inch letters on someone's ass"?

He was Von Dutch, uh-huh, that guy, that name. He was one of hot rodding's wise men, up there on a stinky, toxic lacquer cloud with painter George Barris, the late customizer Ed "Big Daddy" Roth and artist and hot rodder Robert Williams.

Starting in the 1950s, Von Dutch reinvented automotive pinstriping, turning each paint job into a painting, doing way-out takes on woodland creatures and scenes of the day—then making up stories to explain them. He was a superb craftsman who made his own knives, guns and motorized roller skates.

He's most famous for two images that, while perhaps not wholly original, have sent art aficionados and marketing whizzes to the auction blocks. One is the stylized version of the nickname he adopted for himself, Von Dutch. Some say it bears an interesting resemblance to the Norton motorcycle logo, but virtually everyone agrees on its significance. The other is the flying eyeball, Von Dutch once said originated, sans wings, with the Macedonian and Egyptian cultures 5,000 years ago.

Von Dutch created these symbols, personified them, and popularized them as emblems of the underground. Now, as the culmination of a process that began with Dutch's death at age 63 in 1992, they've been licensed by his heirs, and are being sold by Los Angeles-based Von Dutch Originals on T-shirts, $145 jeans, jackets, tank-tops and $50 trucker hats. Within the next year, the company plans to diversify into eyewear and watches, aimed again at the celebrity clientele.

People like KTTV Fox 11's Jillian Barberie and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy fashion stylist Carson Kressley began wearing the stuff earlier this year—probably around the time it began arriving free in the mail—and the line is rapidly becoming the province of über-cool teens and twentysomethings. Spears reportedly wore a Von Dutch trucker hat in lieu of a veil for her recent trip down the aisle.

"It's part of that whole white-trash fashion trend, with wife-beater shirts and trucker hats, which was perpetuated by celebrities like Fred Durst and Britney Spears," said fashion writer Claudia Figueroa of ApparelNews.net, who has watched the company boom during the past year. "Most girls walking down the street wearing a Von Dutch hat couldn't tell you where the logo comes from, but if you ask any automotive enthusiast, chances are they'll have some knowledge of the man behind the brand."

Thanks to fashion borrowing from history—again—there's a huge schism between those who venerate Von Dutch and those who worship the new.

A host of latter-day hot rodders, car customizers and rockabilly rebels blame Von Dutch Originals for the big sell-out of someone claimed by the underground, and the craven commercialization of the man's images.

"The most sullied I've ever heard anybody's name," said Burbank automotive artist Keith Weesner.

Yet clothing designers, industry folk and pop culture sponges see this as just another example of a symbol being reinvented—like when Tom Ford went to work for Gucci, or when Burberry revved up its trademark plaid a few years back.

The debate is not just pop-cultural criticism, it's a battle for control of Von Dutch's valuable images. The battle is wending its way through arbitration in Los Angeles Superior Court, and could have significant consequences for Von Dutch Originals, a million-dollar clothing-industry darling of a company built on a name.

"If Von Dutch only knew, oh, he'd kill 'em," said Skratch, who builds and paints '50s-style hot rods and custom cars. "To know that a Russian Jew stole the name from his daughter, he'd flip. Oh yeah, full-on."

His name was Kenneth Howard, and he was born in 1929, the year the stock market crashed. He was the son of the sign painter who is said to have created the Western Exterminator logo that shows a man in sunglasses, top hat and frock coat, bent over with his finger wagging, as if to reason with the rodent at his feet. Behind his back he holds a huge mallet, should reason fail.

According to art and pop culture authority Craig Stecyk, Kenneth inherited his dad's sign-painting box and talent. He was painting and lettering professionally by age 10, gave birth to the flying eyeball—and earned his famous nickname for being "as stubborn as a Dutchman."

Attending Compton High School, Dutch began striping, first motorcycles and then other vehicles. Like so many other gifted iconoclasts emerging in the 1940s and 1950s, Von Dutch was feeding some insatiable appetite in American culture, a desire for liberation and personal expression then (and now) at war with the emerging all-powerful corporate state, the hierarchical, gray-flannel industrial order, the one-size-fits-all Levittowns springing up around decaying urban centers. He gave a kind of humanity to a world of machines.

"He was a zany beatnik artist that gave birth to this eccentric form of decorating machinery. He had a flattop [haircut] with fenders, and he looked like he was a cool dude, and he played the flute and he fit in a place where he was really needed," said artist Robert Williams. Williams met Dutch in the 1960s while working at Ed Roth Studios, home of the Rat Fink character design, in Maywood. Williams traces Dutch's MO back to the 19th century.

"You take a Comanche Indian or Apache Indian, and they get themselves a rifle. They're left with the stigma that this is an item manufactured by a superior culture," said Williams, who studies other cultures closely as they intersect with his own work. "They get buckskin, tack it, shrink it, wrap it around the [gun] stock. That makes it their own, and that gives it an Indian soul. That's what Von Dutch did to machinery. He would take it and give it this personal touch."

Von Dutch was as talented as he was prolific, becoming the first person to airbrush monsters on clothing, turning out eerie, surrealistic paintings, building and etching expensive knives and rare vintage guns, and striping hundreds of hot rods over the years.

He's remembered today for that body of work, but also for the larger-than-life persona he fashioned—the drinking, carousing pinstriper who did as he pleased. Much of that image was real, and according to those who knew him, it included a serious dark side.

"He was quite a racist; didn't like anybody. He had all the trappings of being a neo-Nazi. He could not tolerate black people," said Williams, whose friendship with Dutch cooled over time, but never ended. "But I had some wonderful times with him. When you caught him in a good mood he was really wonderful to talk to. But he would slip into these loud violent periods that were just horrible."

That edge wormed its way into his work. In one 1965 painting, Dutch faded in the words "Fuck You," visible if you look long enough.

Pinstriper Franco Costanza, a.k.a. Von Franco, remembers Dutch grudgingly striping a guy's glossy, beautiful '34 Ford—and painting a tiny, perfect ladybug on one pillar, just to annoy the owner. When the man found the ladybug, he demanded Dutch take it off.

"So [Dutch] says, 'Okay, I'll take it off,'" recalls Franco, a burly, jovial man with a jet-black pompadour and goatee. "He takes this hammer and just smashes the ladybug, just ruins this guy's paint job and tells him to get the fuck out of there."

Writer Ken Gross, in The Rodder's Journal, a quarterly car mag, tells the tale of one kid who drove his car to the West Coast just so Dutch could stripe it. On the glove compartment door, Dutch drew a caveman in a diaper, holding a headless, bloody cat, an atrocity the owner masked with cardboard whenever he dated, but felt compelled to preserve as art.

Von Dutch distrusted people and was paranoid in public. Williams said Dutch would "park right at the edge, so that if something happened he could get out. He had a gun on him within a minute's reach."

In the late 1960s, Dutch, allegedly driving drunk, wrecked a car carrying his then-pregnant wife. She lost the baby and Dutch wound up living in various places in Arizona for several years to avoid prosecution for manslaughter. By the early 1970s, things had cooled off and he returned to California, specifically Orange County, where he found a patron in collector extraordinaire James Brucker, who employed Dutch at his Movie World Cars of the Stars museum in Buena Park, and purchased numerous pieces of his work. Dutch would live on Brucker's property, first in Buena Park, later in Santa Paula—in a converted Long Beach city bus—until his death.

"He was tremendously talented," Brucker remembers. But "he would drink and it was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He'd be a nice guy in the morning and then in the afternoon he would drink and it was like a split personality or something."

Williams remembers hanging out with Dutch once outside Cars of the Stars, talking about nothing in particular, when Dutch went off on a tangent and pointedly asked Williams how long he thought Dutch could hold off an angry mob if he were on the roof of a building with a machine gun. A letter written not too long before his death in 1992, when he was in the hospital, and heavily medicated, reportedly closed with "Heil Hitler."

Somehow (inevitably?) this helped make Dutch cool. When he died he was on the verge of a mass rediscovery by Generation-Xers who found a palatable nonconformist conformity in the cult of the flying eyeball—exposed in all its greasy glory by the seminal 1993 Laguna Art Museum show "Kustom Kulture."

Besides coining the term "kustom culture," and applying it to the artier aspects of the rod and custom lifestyle, the show featured a bunch of vintage Dutchery, including a dashboard he pinstriped for the classic kustom Mercury, the Hirohata Merc.

Others saw dollar signs when they looked back at Von Dutch's storied, troubled life, and his one-of-a-kind artworks, and that's where the trouble started.

A decade after Dutch's death, the duplicators are now in arbitration in Los Angeles Superior Court, where they hope to figure out once and for all who has the rights to reproduce certain of Von Dutch's works. Like many things that get out of hand, it all began with one man. He thought Dutch's signature and maybe a flying eyeball or two would look good on the back of a work shirt.

"When I was about 16 or so I saw an article about Von Dutch in the paper, and I was fascinated," said Long Beach concert promoter and clothing designer Ed Boswell. "It was actually just because, because he smoked pot … drank beer in lieu of food and never had a Social Security number, and did whatever he wanted and was a legendary guy. That sounded cool to me."

With licensing from Dutch's two daughters in hand, Boswell says, he formed a company to produce clothing—T-shirts, jeans, even underwear—with Dutch's most famous doodles on them. But, classically underfunded, he wound up bringing in surf clothing entrepreneur Michael Cassel. Boswell claims Cassel forced him out and took over the clothing line with his brother Donald. Boswell has retained the services of an attorney to help sort out his end of the matter.

"Not true. Not true. That's how I got to the estate. That's Ed [Boswell]'s only connection," said Michael Cassel, who claims he had the idea to produce sportswear with an industrial look, officially formed Von Dutch Originals in 1999 and opened its main store on Melrose Avenue in 1999. Low on dough, Cassel says, he brought in current Von Dutch CEO Tonny Sorensen, reportedly also a champion kick-boxer, as one of several other minority investors. Cassel said Sorensen wound up buying out other minority investors to become a 51 percent shareholder in the company—and forcing Mike Cassel out.

"When it got to the point where he had enough money, that's where he leveraged me out," Cassel said. Now funded by a battery of investors he said includes Guess, Cassel wants the judge to agree that he still owns 49 percent of the company—and that either he or Sorensen should buy the other out. Representatives of Von Dutch Originals in Los Angeles declined repeated requests for an interview.

What comes next is hard to say.

"The company already has a retail store on Melrose [Avenue] and a franchise in Beverly Hills, so they're definitely rolling in the Benjamins," said Figueroa, the ApparelNews writer, adding that lawsuits could hurt the label.

Popular fashion is littered with spectacular flameouts, and while no one's saying it yet, the minute something new comes along, Von Dutch could become just yesterday's trend—this millennium's version of Tommy Bahama, Sisely, Benetton, Ocean Pacific or Lightning Bolt. The label has long been blacklisted by traditional hot rodders.

"I feel like the guy that rubbed the lamp, that got the genie out," Boswell said. "And then the genie got turned into a whore."

Already there are like-minded folk selling copycat shirts reading "Von Bitch" and "Von Suck." The people behind Von Suck, and its website, www.vonsuck.com, hope their shirts show the world how lame they think Von Dutch Originals is.

"Von Dutch is pretty much finished as an artist," said Von Suck webmaster Slutty Stan, who declined to give his last name. "It's like Picasso being known for furniture.''

Mike Cassel said Von Dutch is lucky he came along when he did.

"Everything cool gets packaged and sold to somebody," Cassel said. "If I make some money out of it, and his daughters make some money out of it, I think that's the American way. If somebody does that to me after I die, I'd be honored."

Honored? Well, if he were, those closest to him say he'd have a interesting way of showing it.

"If he was alive," Williams said, "he'd walk in there with a pistol and shoot those people."

STAR WARS - Shredisode IV (AnchorHead) 1 of 2

2007-08-02T16:37:00.001-04:00

Heavy Metal Star Wars!

Human Tetris!!

2007-06-20T14:13:00.000-04:00

Economic models explained

2007-05-28T14:38:00.000-04:00

SOCIALISM You have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM You have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM You have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM You have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows.The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws themilk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM You have two giraffes.The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows.You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters ofcredit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute adebt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get allfour cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder whosells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option onone more.You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leavingyouwith nine cows.No balance sheet provided with the release.The public then buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL You have two cows.You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you wantthree cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow andproduce twenty times the milk.You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and marketit worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, andmilk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You count them and learn you have five cows.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows.You have 300 people milking them.You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows.Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.You tell them that you have none.No-one believes you, so they bomb the fuck out of you and invade your country.You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows.The one on the left looks very attractive.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

An Important announcement for the ladies!

2007-05-15T07:57:00.000-04:00

"Side effects" by Steve Martin

2007-05-01T10:19:00.001-04:00

DOSAGE: take two tablets every six hours for joint pain.

SIDE EFFECTS: This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, head-ache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in the ears. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking this pill; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. O.K. foods: flounder. Under no circumstances eat yak. Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in thirty per cent of users-sorry, fifty per cent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; one knee-buckler per day is normal. Bowel movements may become frequent-in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you. You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are among the ten per cent of users who experience "spontaneous test-pilot knowledge." If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas, and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for a "countdown." May cause stigmata in Mexicans. If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of World Records. May induce a tendency to compulsively repeat the phrase "no can do." This drug may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop. There may be an overwhelming impulse to shout out during a Catholic Mass, "I'm gonna wop you wid da ugly stick!" You may feel a powerful sense of impending doom; this is because you are about to die. Men may experience impotence, but only during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful erection will accompany your daily "walking-around time." Do not take this product if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not be near a ringing telephone that works at 900 MHz or you will be very dead, very fast. We are assuming you have had chicken pox. You also may experience a growing dissatisfaction with life along with a deep sense of melancholy-join the club! Do not be concerned if you arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter. You might want to get a one-month trial subscription to Extreme Fighting. The hook shape of the pill will often cause it to become caught in the larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat while a friend holds your nose to prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage. Then throw yourself stomach first on the back portion of a chair. The expulsion of air should eject the pill out of the mouth, unless it goes into a sinus cavity, or the brain. WARNING: This drug may shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to cause birth defects in the user retroactively. Passing in front of TV may cause the screen to moiré. Women often feel a loss of libido, including a woo-octave lowering of the voice, an increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a testicle. If this happens, women should write a detailed description of their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me, Bob, Trailer Six, Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or E-mail me at hot-guy.com. Discontinue use immediately if you feel that your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts. You may experience "lumpy back" syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure. Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. When finished with the dosage, be sure to allow plenty of "quiet time" in order to retrain the eye to move off stationary objects. Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the user of this drug will develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor. (This product may contain one or more of the following: bungee cord, plankton, rubber, crack cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gunpowder, corn husk, glue, bee pollen, dung, English muffin, poached eggs, ham, Hollandaise sauce, crushed saxophone reeds.) Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the sensatino of having a "phantom" third arm. Users may experience certain inversions of language. Acceptable: "Hi, are how you?" Unacceptable: "The rain in Sprain slays blainly on the phsssst." Twenty minutes after taking the pills, you will feel an insatiable craving to take another dose. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL NOT FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE PILLS ARE. You should also be out of reach of any weapon-like utensil with which you could threaten friends or family, who should also be briefed to not give you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk them.

It's SOHC motor day!!!(4-27)

2007-04-27T10:24:00.000-04:00

IT'S HEMI DAY!!!

2007-04-26T11:06:00.000-04:00

Because lesbian sex is apparently dangerous

2007-04-24T11:27:00.000-04:00

...And now for something truly fucked up.

BENTONVILLE -- A Bentonville man asked the city to pay his two sons $20,000 and to fire the library director for including what he called "pornography" in the Bentonville Public Library collection."The Whole Lesbian Sex Book" by Felice Newman was removed from the library shelf after Earl Adams of Bentonville complained it is "patently offensive and lacks any artistic, literary or scientific value," according to a letter he wrote and faxed Feb. 16 to Mayor Bob McCaslin.Adams said his 14- and 16-year-old sons, Kyle and Ryan, looked at the book while the 14-year-old was browsing for material on military academies. He requested the city pay him $10,000 per child, the maximum allowed under the Arkansas obscenity law."My sons were greatly disturbed by viewing this material and this matter has caused many sleepless nights in our house," he said in another e-mail to McCaslin earlier in February.

From a press release from publisher Cleis Press Felice Newman, author of The Whole Lesbian Sex Book says "Boys have been pouring over sexually explicit materials in libraries since - well, since there have been libraries. Why was a copy of my book in the military section? Well, sometimes young people browsing the library shelves will tuck away a favorite book where they can find it later. These two young guys are the very reason libraries must be uncensored, and librarians must be free to order the books they feel will benefitthe public."

If you'd like to send the librarians a supportive note, here's the link.

I can't believe this one...

2007-04-19T16:47:00.000-04:00

Well, actually i can. I'm an extreme hot-sauce afficionado, and most of the "novelty" sauces taste like dirty ass. Not that i've ever had dirty ass mind you. This one probably does too, just by looking at the ingredients list, but the toy that comes with it is in a class of it's own.

Yes, that is exactly what it looks like. Quite an "interesting" belt buckle, huh?

I don't normally collect the novelty sauces, but for $50 i might have to make an exception for this.

I'll just never wear it, ever.

A couple of things we've painted

2007-04-18T14:24:00.000-04:00

Ok, a couple of things Jamie painted, and i prepped and put back together...

ok, ya got me. I wasn't quite done putting the GSXback together...

Yes, that is a FUCKING golf cart that some jackass just HAD to have flamed.
So now you folks have an idea of what Jamie and i can accomplish(if we can put down the beer for a moment or three).

Joke Time!

2007-04-17T15:10:00.000-04:00

A bum walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a toothpick, the bartender gives him a toothpick, and the bums leaves. 10 seconds later, another bum walks in, and also asks for a toothpick. The bartender gives him one, and the bum leaves. This happens 6 or 7 more times, when another bum walks in and asks for a straw. The bartender, thinking there is some sort of joke going on, grabs him by the collar, and asks him what the hell is going on. The bum replies, “Well sir, some guy threw up his lunch all over the sidewalk, and all the big pieces are gone.”

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Bangladesh? If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a "Teethbrush".

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone!

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

How do you stop a Polish tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.

How did the Polish ice hockey team drown?
Spring training.

What was Helen Keller's favorite color?
corduroy.

What does every redneck say just before he dies?
"hey, watch this!!"

Did you hear about the leper hockey game?
There was a face-off in the corner

what did the leper say to the prostitute?
keep the tip

This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

How can you tell if your wife's dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up

What's the difference between a truck load of dead badies and a truck load of bowling balls?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.

What present do you get a dead baby?
A dead puppy.

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the koala.

Why did the tree fall over?
The koala never let go.

Why did the kangaroo die?
Because the koala landed on it.

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum,a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which definedwhether or not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer ateaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her toempty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?"

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

What's black, white, and red and can't fit through a doorway?
A nun with a spear through her head

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, for the love of God, put down the gun!'"

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the fucking map again."

A man walks up to a store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk Looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for a Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot, dumbass."

An old woman was standing nude in front of the mirror, looking at herself. "I'm fat, wrinkled and old. Everything on me is disgusting and sagging. Say something nice to make me feel better", she told her husband.

He replied "your eyesight is perfect".

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."
The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

A guy goes to a Supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rathertaken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you Know me?"To which she replies, "I think you're the father of oneof my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been Unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher.

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman."Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top,sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head."

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" What's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon or so."

There was this guy standing, smoking at a bus stop waiting for a bus.
A woman who was also waiting for the bus starts to cough. It is one of those forced coughs, the fake kind. He glances at her and continues to smoke.
She says, "You disrespectful a**hole. I have been standing here, inhaling your second hand smoke for 15 minutes and you don't even give a shit. What do you have to say for yourself?"
The smoker thinks while taking another drag of his cigarette. After exhaling, he turns to her and says, "I think you owe me for half a pack of smokes."

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous, well endowed blond was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'
So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tonguetwister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted tosay to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat ugly bitch!'

A guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you really mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."