A bum walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a toothpick, the bartender gives him a toothpick, and the bums leaves. 10 seconds later, another bum walks in, and also asks for a toothpick. The bartender gives him one, and the bum leaves. This happens 6 or 7 more times, when another bum walks in and asks for a straw. The bartender, thinking there is some sort of joke going on, grabs him by the collar, and asks him what the hell is going on. The bum replies, “Well sir, some guy threw up his lunch all over the sidewalk, and all the big pieces are gone.”
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Bangladesh? If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a "Teethbrush".
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone!
What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
How do you stop a Polish tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.
How did the Polish ice hockey team drown?
What was Helen Keller's favorite color?
What does every redneck say just before he dies?
"hey, watch this!!"
Did you hear about the leper hockey game?
There was a face-off in the corner
what did the leper say to the prostitute?
keep the tip
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
How can you tell if your wife's dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up
What's the difference between a truck load of dead badies and a truck load of bowling balls?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What present do you get a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the koala.
Why did the tree fall over?
The koala never let go.
Why did the kangaroo die?
Because the koala landed on it.
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum,a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which definedwhether or not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer ateaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her toempty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?"
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
What's black, white, and red and can't fit through a doorway?
A nun with a spear through her head
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, for the love of God, put down the gun!'"
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the fucking map again."
A man walks up to a store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk Looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for a Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot, dumbass."
An old woman was standing nude in front of the mirror, looking at herself. "I'm fat, wrinkled and old. Everything on me is disgusting and sagging. Say something nice to make me feel better", she told her husband.
He replied "your eyesight is perfect".
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."
The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
A guy goes to a Supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rathertaken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you Know me?"To which she replies, "I think you're the father of oneof my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been Unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher.
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman."Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top,sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head."
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" What's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon or so."
There was this guy standing, smoking at a bus stop waiting for a bus.
A woman who was also waiting for the bus starts to cough. It is one of those forced coughs, the fake kind. He glances at her and continues to smoke.
She says, "You disrespectful a**hole. I have been standing here, inhaling your second hand smoke for 15 minutes and you don't even give a shit. What do you have to say for yourself?"
The smoker thinks while taking another drag of his cigarette. After exhaling, he turns to her and says, "I think you owe me for half a pack of smokes."
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous, well endowed blond was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'
So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tonguetwister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted tosay to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat ugly bitch!'
A guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you really mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."